did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
