You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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