Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.