i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.