Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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