it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
