I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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