I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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