im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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