What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
