i just wanna soil my oats bro
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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