bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
