Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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