I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
