mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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