I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
