im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
