i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
