started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
