I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
