This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
