Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
