A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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