When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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