i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
