alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
