I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
