Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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