Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You ate ashes out of my bong
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
