Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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