It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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