Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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