not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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