fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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