i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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