i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
