For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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