is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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