I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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