Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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