and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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