did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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