dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
