your parents love me but you hate me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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