Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
