he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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