Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
