first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
