You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
