I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
