He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
