So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
