I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
