i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
