The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
