after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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