the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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