Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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