May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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